This morning I awoke at 6 am, before anyone else was awake.  I rolled over and looked at my husband, sleeping peacefully beside me. 15 minutes until his alarm would go off and the day would begin. 6 days until he will head to Bismark for his 3 month long police academy.

My thoughts turned to the day ahead ~ the tentative routine that is beginning to develop in our new home in our new town/state/school/job/life. The things clamoring for my attention, loose ends needing to still be taken care of back in Washington, phone calls to make, things still needing to find a place here in our new home, a little boy who would be waking up and requiring my full engagement in his day of "What's" and "Why's", meals to plan, a budget to balance, pets to care for, new friends/relationships {out there...somewhere...lol} needing to be made, old friends/relationships needing to be tended, and suddenly, it wasn't just today I was thinking about, but it began to stretch into tomorrow, and the next day and next week, and next month, into the long winter ahead, and it began to feel too heavy and look too big for me to tackle all alone, in a new place, isolated, torn from friends and family, church, school, stores, routines, sights, sounds, even the dismally dark Washington winters, comforting to a native Washingtonian like me. No matter all the wonderful things God has been doing in our lives - in MY life - since coming here, no matter the new friends and events He has orchestrated to come into my life to show me His tender care and concern not just for the meeting of my basic needs, but also the desires of my heart. All I could see were the monotonously Insurmountable checklists of THINGS that would require more energy, strength, and creativity than I though I could muster up over the long lonely winter.

Per's alarm went off, and as he opened his eyes and looked at me, I saw the groggy smile turn to a look of concern as he said, "What's wrong honey? Why are you crying?"   I swallowed hard and wiped my eyes. "I don't want you to leave me." Was all I could say. "....alone here, stranded in this new place that I am afraid I won't be able to tackle on my own with two small children in a winter I haven't experienced but by all accounts may very well eat us all alive, and I can't do it without you. Why did you bring me here to this infernal lonely desolate hellhole of a place only to abandon me?! How strong do you think I am?!!!" ...Is what I wanted to say but didn't, mercifully. He just hugged me, and said, "It's only 3 hours away, and it's going to be over before we know it. We just have to get through the academy, then we will be together again!"
Not knowing why I had suddenly had this outburst of emotion when I am truly happy and daily seeing the Lord's hand in everything that happens here, and moreover why I had allowed myself to let Per see it (I try to be positive for him, because I feel it is a really important way to support him, as I know he is very sensitive to my feelings and needs and I don't want to weigh him down with things he can't do anything about...they are better taken before the Lord), I took a deep breath, smiled, and said, "You're right, I know, and I'll be fine. I'll just miss you." "I'll miss you too, baby, but I'll be home every weekend."
After Per left for work, I sat down to read my Bible but couldn't shake the feeling of oppression and weakness. Every word I read seemed to condemn me and serve to convict me.  I finally closed my Bible feeling defeated and unworthy. "Lord, I know I am unworthy, and I know I am weak. I can't do anything in my own strength. But I feel like Satan is attacking me, trying to get me to LIVE in this feeling of defeat and weakness, and I know that is a lie, and not from You, because You defeated Satan at the Cross, and he can have no victory in my life since I accepted You as my Lord and Savior."

Well, Bella is off to school, Per is at work, and my little question asker (What is that? Why is it that?) is up and needing a mommy who can provide him stimulation, stability, love, and a happy safe home. And yet my prayers continue, as I feel like I am in a tug of war this morning, and I don't even know what it's over. Not that I need to, I know God has His plans, and I am grateful to be a part of them.

Lord, please help me to claim your Victory over death and sin, over the powers of darkness, and live in Your light and strength today.  Help me to live one day at a time, help me to see the beauty in Your creations, to be a light reflecting You - to my children, my husband, and anyone else who may be watching, Lord, so I am not a stumbling block to them, but an encouragement and source of peace and love. Some days I feel like I can accomplish these things on my own (although of course I always fail miserably when trying to be Your light without Your help), but today for sure I feel exceptionally vulnerable and weak, incapable of even the smallest positive step without crumbling and failure. On days like this, I can't help but wonder what You are trying to accomplish, because it seems like satan takes greater pains to weigh me down and defeat me when he is worried that something positive might be accomplished for You. I don't want to let you down, Lord, help me to be obedient to You in even the smallest things. Let your light shine through me somehow, even though I can't fathom how You can use someone like me today.

Really God? Another Blog?

Hi there. Welcome to the Prairie. This blog has a humble beginning, as I have been opposed to starting yet another project that has the potential to be discarded in the face of the realities of daily life. For instance, I can look around our little home right now and see my children's clothes strewn everywhere, two little faces that long for face to face time with mommy, dishes piled up in the sink, dogs that need to be walked and bathed, barely unpacked boxes, and routines yet to be created for a home/town/school/job we've only been in for 2 1/2 weeks! 

So...Blogging! Yeah, it may be a crazy thing to do, but it's something one of my girlfriends back home in Washington (ya, you know who you are!!! lol) nagged, ahem, I mean encouraged me to write. And although I've been dragging my feet every time I think about it, the Lord keeps bringing it to my mind.  The conversation goes something like this: 

Me: "Are you crazy, Lord? Can't you see how I can barely keep up with the stuff I've ALREADY got going on? I'm supposed to be doing this stuff to Your glory, but I feel like a miserable failure at all of it at least some of the time and some of it ALL of the time!" (to abuse Abraham Lincoln just a bit). God: "Nope.  I'm a totally normal guy. Just ask anyone. Your regular couch potato. Didn't I mention that when you signed up for this gig to hang out with Me and put Me on the throne of your life?" Me: Heavy sigh. OK, I get it. You're an unconventional God who works in unconventional ways. But I really don't see why anyone would want to read about my life or anything going on with me and my family when there is such a plethora of people out there already doing the same thing. God: It's not your job to decide whose heart I plan to touch with the story of your life. It is your job to submit your life to ME and let My light shine THROUGH you. It's not about YOU. It's about ME. I gave you a gift - you love to write. You are compelled to write. Who do you think I gave you that gift so you could write about...you, or ME? I gave you the gift. Trust Me to use it for the furthering of My own purposes. Allow me to be the Light that shines in your life. You write. I will speak to whom I choose, when I choose, and HOW I choose to. 

Hm. That's a conversation stopper right there. Or should I say a blog starter.

I am not going to re-invent the wheel here...I AM a writer, I DO love to write, and I have already written several journal posts, which, in order for this blog to make any sense at all, I must go back and post some of them here. So you can start here with this day, or go back in time to see how our little family of four from Centralia, Washington, ended up out here on the windy prairies of North Dakota. It's a pretty interesting story, and I'll be eagerly 'turning the pages' along with you to see where it leads, because, unlike some folks who have a great idea of where they're headed in life, I have sort of realized God wants me to give up the reigns on that one and just trust Him to take us where He wants us to go, so that He can accomplish His greater purpose, whatever it might be, in and through us. 

So, with the wild Dakota winds at our backs and God as our Guide, we are setting aside just about everything in life we're familiar with, moving waaaaay out of our comfort zones, and hoping to be vessels God can use for His Glory as a

Little Light On The Prairie